Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
