It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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