the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
