id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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