i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
