drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
