Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This baby is an asshole
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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