Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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