His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
