Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
