I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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