i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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