I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
