quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
