Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
