Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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