Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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