just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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