She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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