no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
