Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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