I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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