I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
