guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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