last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
