If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
