i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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