the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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