so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
