Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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