i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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