Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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