If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
