Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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