I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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