had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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