just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
