Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
