Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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