trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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