I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
