you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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