I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
