Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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