Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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