i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
