Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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