you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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