she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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