i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She bit a glass in half.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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