Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
