Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
