i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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