I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
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No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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